PS 3525 
.fl847 
N8 
1921 
Copy 1 





Class TS 
BookAS^Xife 
Copyright N"_10[-2a_ 



COPMRIGHT DEPOSm 



A NUMBER 
OF THINGS 

BY 

WALTER J. MATHERLY 




BOSTON 

RICHARD G. BADGER 

THE GORHAM PRESS 



Copyright 1921, by Richard G. Badger 



All Rights Reserved 






MADE IN THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA 



Tkb Gorham Pkbss, Boston, U. S. A. 



©aA6055.S8 
*W0 



To 

my wife 

ENID PUTNAM MATHERLY 

whose love has 

enriched my 

life 



^ 



FOREWORD 

If I had the naming of this book I should call 
it "Humor, Economics and Common Sense.*' I 
cordially recommend it to those who agree with 
me that truth is more palatable when it is spiced 
with wit. 

The acid test of literary merit is our feeling 
when we have read to the end of what the author 
has written. 

If we find ourselves disposed to reread it or pass 
it on to our friends then it is worth while. 

I have read all these essays twice, I have been 
glad to recommend them to several friends and I 
have asked permission to print "The Why of 
Tobacco" in my paper. 

Theo. H. Price 
New York 
January 20, 1920 



Parts 
of "The Economic 
Aspects of Eats" and *'The Philosophy 
of Fits" appeared In Commerce and Finance for 
May 21, 19 1 9, and The Manu- 
facturers Record for Oct. 
2, 1919, respectively 



CONTENTS 

Chapter Page 

I. The Idlers of the Species 13 

II. The Economic Aspects of Eats 21 

III. The Peddlers of Excuses 29 

IV. The God of Conventionality 39 

V. The Philosophy of Fits 47 

VI. The Various Kinds of Freaks 56 

VII. The Why of Tobacco 65 

VIII. The Costs of Waiting 73 



A NUMBER OF THINGS 



A Number of Things 

CHAPTER I 

^ THE IDLERS OF THE SPECIES 

'T^HERE is a superabundance of idlers in the 
-■- world. They are found in every sphere of 
human society. They exist in high places as well 
as in low places. They flourish in restricted resi- 
dential districts as well as in tenement districts. 
They pester rural communities as well as urban 
communities. They ride in limousines as well 
as in box cars and *'blind baggages." They infest 
governments as well as industries. They afflict 
the body intellectual as well as the body physical. 
They are represented by females as well as by 
males. In short, the idlers of the species are not 
confined to any one class, family, condition, or 
stratum of society, nor limited to any one commun- 
ity ; but are rather scattered broadcast in big hand- 
fuls throughout the whole social kingdom. 

The idlers of the species are of unholy origin. 
They came forth from the womb of indolence. They 
were conceived in the iniquity of laziness and 
brought forth in the bonds of idleness. They 

13 



14 A Number of Things 

"started life by restin' and stayed restin' ever 
since." Their creators were the immortal gods of 
ease, and to such deities they have always paid the 
strictest homage and praise Their advent into the 
world marked the beginning of a leisure class, and 
since then such a class has always imposed itself 
upon mankind, maintained itself with the utmost 
care and energy, and stood unequivocally opposed 
to all doctrines except the doctrine of sitting still. 

The supreme purpose of the idlers of the species 
is to evade work. Ease, not labor, is their all- 
important objective. Toil is about as attractive to 
them as an anthem would be to a jazz orchestra. 
They have about as much interest in industrial 
activities as a monkey would have in the move- 
ments of the planets. They have about as much 
desire to apply themselves diligently as a balky 
mule would have to pull a ton of brick. Their one 
great consuming desire is to dodge all expendi- 
tures of energy, slide by all demands for services, 
and do nothing, absolutely nothing. 

The idlers of the species are of many varieties 
and flavors. Foremost among them are the idlers 
known as vagrants. Every city is troubled with 
them, plenty of them. They hang around on street 
corners, loaf wherever loafing is good, and eschew 
all occupations in general. While there are laws 
against vagrancy, little of any great importance is 



The Idlers of the Species 15 

ever done to enforce such laws and thereby elimin- 
ate these worthless insects or put them to useful 
purposes. An employer has about as much chance 
to employ them as he would have to employ kings 
and queens, or society belles and "lounge liz- 
zards." They are just idlers, transcendent idlers, 
and without doubt will always be idlers. 

In close relation to vagrants there are idlers 
known as hoboes. While intimate connections 
exist between the two classes, hoboes are somewhat 
different in texture from vagrants. Vagrants are 
usually tied to immediate, definite localities, while 
hoboes roam the wide, wide world. Vagrants are 
provincials, while hoboes are cosmopolitans. More 
or less unlike the vagrants, hoboes are made up 
of the tramps, the wanderers, the invincible knights 
of the road, the true sons of rest. They live 
not by the sweat of their brows but by handouts 
from back doors. They sleep not under roofs but 
under the skies. They dress not in clothes of the 
latest cut but in rags, filthy rags. They sow not, 
neither do they reap nor spin, nor gather into 
barns. They take what comes, be it much or lit- 
tle, without frets or cares. In a word, they are 
the idlers par excellence. 

In addition to vagrants and hoboes there are 
idlers in the form of the "idle rich." Usually they 
live off the inherited wealth or wealth which they 



1 6 A Number of Things 

have done little to create. In some cases they 
make a fortune by their own wits, retire, and then 
kill themselves either in consuming it or trying to 
endure luxurious ease. To ward off ennui they 
chase from pleasure resort to pleasure resort. 
They engage in all kinds of sports from horse- 
racing and golf playing to cock-fighting and crap- 
shooting. One of their chief delights is to em- 
ploy famous chefs and become experts in judging 
palatable foods. Their all-absorbing raison d'etre 
is to dress and undress, attend dinners, theatres 
and dances, entertain the elite, gush over nothing, 
sleep a few hours each day, and acquire what 
they deem the choicest bits of culture and refine- 
ment. They are the idlers plutocratic, and as such 
are abominations of the nth magnitude. 

Just as there are idlers in the form of the idle 
rich, so also are there idlers in the shape of women 
who exist purely for the sake of dress, show and 
ornamentation. They add little to the world's 
production. They draw their sustenance from the 
men upon whom they economically depend without 
yielding anything in return. If plenty of servants 
are available, they sometimes get up enough '*pep" 
to manage households. Ordinarily, however, they 
oppose all domesticity. Children have no place, 
play or part in their lives. Child-bearing Involves 
pain, and children are nuisances anyway. Their 



The Idlers of the Species 17 

sole mission is not to replenish the earth with their 
progeny but to flit like butterflies along the social 
highway. Their best thought is given not to things 
useful but to the anticipated display they will make 
in competition with each other at social festivities. 
That they spend on the average three or four times 
as much on personal adornment as men worries 
them naught. Nothing must come between them 
and their sublime round of pleasure. Magnificent 
indeed are the daughters of indolence who afflict 
the abode of man. 

The female idlers however do not by any means 
exhaust the enormous supply of idlers. There are 
also idlers in politics. They consume with greedi- 
ness but do not correspondingly produce. They 
feed, not on the fruits of honest toil, but on the 
bountiful crumbs which fall from the tables of suc- 
cessful candidates. Generally they adhere strictly 
to no party. Their support goes to those who will 
promise them the greatest booty. Their ideal, 
if they are capable of having an ideal, is public 
spoils, not public welfare. They are most pleased 
when they can get their long fingers into the public 
purse. In their every action they pervert the prin- 
ciples of democracy. They stand like a stone wall 
in the way of all social reform. They perform no 
useful function in the political mechanism. They 
are about as necessary to good government as a 



1 8 A Number of Things 

bent penny would be to a multi-millionaire. They 
are about as indispensable to the successful opera- 
tion of organized power as a garden hose would 
be to the Sahara Desert. Without question they 
are the worst reprobates to whom the whole phi- 
losophy of laziness has given birth. 

Even the Idlers in the kingdom of politics do not 
exhaust the enormous supply of idlers. To them 
must be added the intermittent Idlers. The inter- 
mittent idlers are made up of the casual workers 
of the world. They are divided into two classes. 
In the first place, there are those who are just as 
lazy as they dare to be. They work one day and 
loaf the next. They labor with zest for a little 
while and then live up, without taking thought for 
the morrow, that which they have earned. They 
are Irregular In connecting themselves with jobs, 
and when connections are established, they sever 
them on the slightest provocation. They are much 
hired and either much fired or else they just vol- 
untarily lose their grip on the positions they hold 
and choose to depart in peace. They are funda- 
mental factors In the turnover of factory labor. 
Above all they are everlasting opponents to the 
regularlzatlon of employment. 

In the second place there are those who are 
forced into Intermittent idleness. The occupations 
or trades In which they are engaged are seasonal. 



The Idlers of the Species 19 

Their employment does not run throughout the 
year. On account of the nature of the industry 
their jobs last for only a few short months. Labor- 
ers in canning factories, for instance, through no 
fault of their own, are out of work about nine 
months out of each year, and unless they are as- 
similated into some other industry they are com- 
pelled to remain idle. But whether forced in- 
termittent idlers or just plain voluntary inter- 
mittent idlers, they are all idlers and idlers are al- 
ways economic losses. 

Finally, there are intellectual idlers in the make- 
up of the congested lazy population of the earth. 
Unlike their counterparts in other realms, the in- 
tellectual idlers are harrassed with indolence of 
mind. Their chief ailment is not physical inertia 
as is the case of most of their compeers, but rather, 
mental inertia. They are absolutely too trifling 
to think. They refuse to put themselves to the 
trouble of using their brains. They divest them- 
selves of all the processes of cerebration, simply 
because it requires effort to Intellectualize. Instead 
of reasoning straight or thinking things out to 
their logical conclusions, they take the line of least 
resistance and order all their ideas ready-made. 
The incurable disease with which they are afilicted 
is not laziness of body but laziness of intellect. 
Perhaps after all, the laziness of brain with which 



20 A Number of Things 

they are obsessed is the grossest sort of laziness 
to which mortals have fallen heir. 

The idlers of the species, then, are of many 
colors. They are composed of vagrants, hoboes, 
plutocratic abstainers from toil, and female expon- 
ents of the gospel of indolence. They are made up 
of crooked politicians, spasmodic or intermittent 
loafers and intellectual shirkers. With the excep- 
tion of some of the spasmodic or intermittent loaf- 
ers who are forced into idleness, all of them, of 
whatever rank or previous condition of servitude, 
have a profound aversion to toil. They uncondi- 
tionally refuse to add their quota to the services of 
the world. They are social parasites of the high- 
est degree. They are public nuisances of the 
worst order. Anything that can be done to eradi- 
cate them, kill them off, or prevent them from per- 
petuating themselves will be a step forward, will 
effect great economic and social saving, and will 
confer a mighty blessing upon mankind. 



CHAPTER II 

THE ECONOMIC ASPECTS OF EATS 

T7 VERY man is pestered with a desire for food. 
-■-'Peculiar as It may seem, it is impossible to 
maintain life without something to eat. Nourish- 
ment is essential to every living organism. With- 
out the replenishment of tissue, life ceases to exist. 
Unless the stomach is filled at regular intervals, 
the body deteriorates and fails to function. Nature 
abhors vacuums in the alimentary tract as well as 
vacuums in other places. The world's destiny de- 
pends upon the successful workings of the digestive 
mechanism. The supreme mission of civilization 
is to keep the digestive machine In running order 
and efficiency. 

The whole history of mankind Is mainly the his- 
tory of food-getting or stomach-filling. The first 
activities of man were activities that had to do 
with sustaining life. The first inventions were the 
inventions of crude Instruments to aid In the hunt 
and chase, the object of which was not primarily 
for pleasure but for procuring the means with 
which to allay thirty feet of alimentary yearnings. 
The first flocks were tended and the first lands 

21 



22 A Number of Things 

cultivated not for financial profits but for meeting 
survival needs more easily and economically. The 
first caravans were started, the first ships were 
built, the first railways were constructed, not solely 
for exploration and adventure, but for connecting 
isolated peoples with the food centers of the 
world. 

Nor is this all. The first bake-shops, elevators, 
and cold storage houses were erected, not for the 
sake of architecture but for the sake of preserving 
food supplies from the ravages of time. The first 
civilizations were begun, not in lands of tropical 
abundance but in lands of scarcity where men were 
compelled to struggle, to save, and often to im- 
port from without in order to survive and keep the 
stomach in action. Thus, throughout all history 
food-getting and stomach-filling have been the 
more or less fundamental underlying motives or 
stimulants to all civilized achievement. 

Upon this food-getting or stomach-filling in- 
stinct, or upon this ever-present desire to eat, to 
consume, to devour, the perpetuation of the race 
depends. Without a perpetual food supply the 
human species would become extinct. This food 
supply can be produced, however, only year by 
year. As a result the whole world at any one time 
is only twelve months away from starvation and 
extinction ; and were there a world crop failure in 



The Economic Aspects of Eats 23 

any single year, the earth would become a chaos. 

In a worse plight are great cities. It has been 
estimated that they are only one week away from 
famine and destruction; and were all connections 
cut off from the outside for seven days they would 
become silent cities of the dead. Still more pre- 
carious Is the condition of millions of the lowest 
paid wage earners. They are only one day away 
from hunger and ruin; and when they face unem- 
ployment even for twenty-four hours they stand 
upon the brink of utter distress and annihilation. 
The eating instinct, therefore, Is the basis of all 
race perpetuation and is the ultimate cause of all 
economic activities. 

The whole economic world exists largely be- 
cause the stomach exists. For the stomach's sake 
large capital Investments are made In factories, 
machinery and transportation facilities. For the 
stomach's sake farmers purchase expensive farm 
implements, cultivate thousands of acres of land, 
and toil without ceasing. For the stomach's sake 
truck gardens are planted, orchards are set out and 
tropical fruits are imported. For the stomach's 
sake peanut, popcorn and fruit venders push their 
carts along streets. For the stomach's sake chefs 
and waiters are born. For the stomach's sake an 
elaborate system of table manners has been evolv- 
ed. For the stomach's sake the science of dietetics 



24 A Number of Things 

has been instituted. For the stomach's sake even 
wine is biblically justifiable. Without the stomach 
the whole economic structure would crumble. 

The stomach is indeed the center of the whole 
economic system. It has only one reason for 
being. It exists solely and supremely as a re- 
ceptacle for foods, — as a storage center from 
which the first steps in nutritive distribution take 
place. It is a sensitive brute and often refuses to 
receive just anything that comes. It reserves the 
right to exercise the power of selection. It some- 
times even resorts to the process of elimination. In 
some persons it will entertain and dispose of any 
animal or vegetable product: in others it will 
utilize only the rarest and the choicest. At times 
it must even be coaxed. If it is in a healthy condi- 
tion, however, it is always ready for the reception 
of visitors; and if none come voluntarily it makes 
regular calls during the day on its own initiative. 
It just naturally attracts food particles as a mag- 
net attracts iron filings. Its sole purpose for in- 
flicting itself upon man is to serve as a clearing 
house for palatable economic products. 

Eats toward which the stomach instinctively 
gravitates are of various kinds and flavors. There 
are good eats and bad eats, digestible eats and in- 
digestible eats, vegetable eats and animal eats, 
army eats and civilian eats, free eats like free 



The Economic Aspects of Eats 25 

goods and economic eats like economic goods. 
There are eats like fresh ripe strawberries, which 
produce physiological reactions in the mouth com- 
monly known as "mouth waterings." There are 
eats like venison which arouse uncontrollable de- 
sires to procure them even though the attendant 
burdens upon one's treasury may lead to bank- 
ruptcy. There are eats like plain meat and bread, 
the lack of which leads to social eruptions and 
revolutions, and to the spread of bolshevism. 
There are eats like sea foods and foods from dis- 
tant lands, the production and transportation of 
which involve the loss of life, liberty, prosperity 
and the pursuit of happiness. Eats, produced under 
whatever circumstances and stirring up whatever 
abdominal emotions, are as numerous and of as 
many varieties as the forms of life found in the 
animal and vegetable kingdoms. 

Eats, though extended to man in a multitude of 
forms and absolutely essential to the welfare of 
body, mind and soul, are often productive of in- 
ternal disturbances. They cause serious upheavals 
in the process of distribution or alimentation. Such 
disorganizations are due largely to too much food. 
Too much is in many instances worse than too 
little. Gluts here are just as disastrous as gluts in 
the marts of trade. Few there are who have 
learned this and as a consequence eat temperately. 



26 A Number of Things 

Most people overload their assimilative ma- 
chinery. They forget that when teamsters over- 
load there is usually a breakdown. They fret 
constantly about indigestion and yet they con- 
tinue to crowd their digestive tracts like street cars 
in rush hours, with meats, desserts, lobster salads, 
oysters on the half shell, roast ducks ad nauseum. 
There is little wonder at their illness. A man's 
apparatus for assimilation is not made of steel 
plate. It is not built like a super-dreadnought. It 
can function properly only when treated with re- 
spect and decency. Only when overfeeding is 
stopped will Mexican revolutions in the abdominal 
cavity end. 

In antithesis to over-feeding there is under-feed- 
ing. In sociological parlance this is known as un- 
der-nourishment or malnutrition. In the slums 
and among the lowest classes of wage earners 
there are thousands of cases where children are 
stunted in growth, warped in mind and permanent- 
ly disabled, simply because in a land of plenty they 
were forced to go hungry. Mothers at times have 
had little upon which to subsist and rear their 
progeny. In periods of business depression strong 
men of honesty and sobriety have often cried for 
bread. 

All of this misery exists simply because the 
abundance of food which the earth produces is 



The Economic Aspects of Eats 27 

poorly distributed. There is too much over-feed- 
ing and waste. If none were over-fed none would 
be under-fed. Eats there are for all, but through 
a rotten system of distribution the submerged 
classes often fail to get even the barest means of 
subsistence. Imperative indeed is the demand for 
the solution of the problem of malnutrition. 

If both the over-feds and the under-feds are to 
be eliminated, more attention must be given to the 
economical consumption of wealth. The princi- 
ples of dietetics must be allowed to accomplish 
their purpose The balanced ration must be the 
nutritive standard to which all must conform. 
Consumers must pay less heed to tickling sensa- 
tions of the palate and more heed to the actual 
physical requirements of health and efficiency. 
Their purpose in eating must be less to gratify 
mere whims of taste and more to restore energy. 
Those who live merely to eat and fare sumptuously 
must be treated as public enemies. Those who 
consider the summum bonum to be found only in 
the capacity which foods have to satisfy taste must 
be outlawed. The civilized world has no room for 
such beasts. It has room only for those who can 
see beyond dinner tables, chefs and fancy dishes, 
and behold an earth in which all shall eat, become 
strong and energetic, and serve for the common 
good. 



28 A Number of Things 

Also, the man of millions as well as the man 
of meager means must recognize the all-important 
fact that human life is more than meat and bread. 
True, meat and bread serve a purpose, an eco- 
nomic purpose, a tremendously significant eco- 
nomic purpose. Laborers can not dig ditches, 
mine coal or operate machines, business men can- 
not manage business enterprises, and officials can 
not adminster governments without food. Eats 
are economically imperative. It is all right to en- 
joy them and enjoy them fully. But food is not 
the end. Man's chief source of happiness is not 
his mouth. His chief object in living is not to 
turn over sweet morsels with his tongue. His 
chief work is not to shovel eats into his gullet as a 
fireman shovels coal into a furnace. Instead of 
meat and bread being the end, they are only means 
to the end. In this matter there must be no con- 
fusion. Above all, the end, not the means, is the 
ideal in the consumption of the world's wealth. 



CHAPTER III 

THE PEDDLERS OF EXCUSES 

THERE are peddlers of excuses. They are as 
old as the human race. With the coming of 
man they sprang Into existence. Apart from hu- 
manity they have no meaning. It is only human 
beings prone to err who peddle, make or offer 
excuses for consideration. Their excuse-making 
is inherent in, or is a part of, their nature — uni- 
versal human nature. A man without excuses is a 
monstrosity. 

Though excuse peddlers as well as excuses them- 
selves are obstacles in the pathway of progress, 
human reason has never been able to eradicate 
them. Until there is a radical change in the nature 
of human kind they will without doubt continue to 
interfere with the races of men and retard them in 
their struggles for higher civilizations. 

The excuses peddled by the peddlers of excuses 
are almost as numerous as the stars. They are of 
as many varieties as there are males and females. 
There are good excuses and bad excuses, reason- 
able excuses and unreasonable excuses, clever ex- 
cuses and awkward excuses, evasive excuses and 

29 



30 A Number of Things 

outspoken excuses, flimsy excuses and extenuating 
excuses. There are excuses for activity and ex- 
cuses for inactivity, excuses for gain and excuses 
for loss. There are excuses for indolence, ineffi- 
ciency, improvidence and unprogressiveness. There 
are excuses for duplicity of conduct, corrupt poli- 
tics, business practices, and inequality in the dis- 
tribution of wealth. Generally, there are as many 
types, of excuses as there are types of human 
weaknesses. 

Usually, excuses are about as far from the truth 
as the earth is distant from the sun. They are in 
no way to be compared with reasons. Reasons 
given in explanation of conduct or lack of conduct 
are perfectly legitimate and proper. They are 
based on truth and are always acceptable. Excuses 
however are not legitimate and proper, are not 
acceptable, and are in no wise to be confused with 
reasons. There is a vast difference — a regular 
Pacific Ocean — between them. Unlike reasons, 
excuses are often about ninety-three million miles 
from the truth. They may be characterized as 
*'good" or ^'reasonable" only in so far as they are 
cleverly given. If there are reasons for doing or 
not doing a thing, and they are shown, no questions 
should be asked. If there are only mere excuses 
for doing or not doing a thing, such excuses should 
be swept aside as mere rubbish. Reasons, there- 



The Peddlers of Excuses 31 

fore, and not excuses must be given first place In 
justifying activity or the lack of activity. 

This philosophy only weaklings ignore. Weak- 
lings and weaklings only resort to excuses. Strong 
men are never guilty of such cowardice. Like 
good soldiers they offer no alibis and put forth no 
extenuating circumstances. If they make mistakes 
they abide by the results without a murmur. If 
they have errors In their calculations they accept 
the blame and, if possible, rectify such errors. If 
failures descend upon them they present no argu- 
ments in explanation and emit no whines about 
overwhelming forces arrayed against them. Profit- 
ing by their experiences they never again allow 
such failures, errors or mistakes to occur. Under 
no circumstances do they excuse themselves. Only 
the weak, composed of the Indolent, the Inefficient, 
the improvident and the unprogressive peddle ex- 
cuses, howl about hard luck and apologize for be- 
ing upon earth. 

Greatest among the hosts of weakness and 
spinelessness as artists at trumping up or peddling 
out excuses and scraping around with apologies are 
the Indolent. The indolent are the excuse fabrica- 
tors extraordinary. They excuse themselves at all 
times from anything that looks like work. They 
excuse themselves from all responsibility. They 
excuse themselves from all duties and cares. Their 



32 A Number of Things 

only business is the business of manufacturing ex- 
cuses. Their only aptitude is the aptitude for 
rest. Their only mission is the mission of avoiding 
useful labor. Their only affection is the affection 
for shades, chairs and benches. Their only en- 
thusiasm is the enthusiasm for "innocuous desue- 
tude." Their only hope is the hope of making 
excuses for useless, colorless, hopeless lives, and 
of finding an abundant entrance into a useless, 
colorless and hopeless eternity. 

Ranking not every far below the indolent as 
peddlers of excuses are the inefficient. The in- 
efficient are constantly handing out high-sounding 
explanations as to their shortcomings. They can 
give a thousand ifs as conditions precedent to their 
success. They can easily scare up an unfounded 
cause for every blunder. They declare among 
other things that the odds are against them, that 
they are forced to act when the season is not ex- 
actly right, that they do not have time to comply 
with the signs of the Zodiac or with the require- 
ments of light and dark moons, that the boss is 
against them, that their services are not appreciat- 
ed, that they would fit better in another occupation, 
or that too much is expected of them. They would 
demonstrate their peculiar fitness, but — . They 
would turn the world upside down, but — . They 
would become great business men, lawyers, doc- 



The Peddlers of Excuses 33 

tors, teachers, engineers, or statesmen, but — . In 
last analysis, "buts" and "dashes" with a few feeble 
utterances concerning, their perfectly good inten- 
tions and the unpropitiousness of the gods consti- 
tute about the only account or excuse which the in- 
efficient are able to give for themselves and their 
inefficient services. 

Not many miles behind the inefficient as yodlers 
of excuses are the improvident. The improvident, 
made up of the shiftless and thriftless, are birds of 
rare excuse-vending plumage. They conjure up 
all sorts of defenses for their worthlessness. If 
they are rolling stones which gather no moss, they 
explain the absence of the moss by jelly-like argu- 
ments which they are at least thrifty enough to 
gather as they roll along. If they have no home 
they say it is cheaper to rent. If they have no 
bank account they contend that their income is so 
low that it is all taken in meeting their living ex- 
penses. If they have no employment they put 
forth the claim that work is scarce, that adequate 
training is lacking, that a position suitable for their 
talents cam not be obtained, or that physical ills 
deter. If they dwell at all times on the edge of bank- 
ruptcy they bubble over with the contention that 
their business must expand, that their position must 
be maintained, and that their families must keep 
up appearances. If they come to want in old age 



34 ^ Number of Things 

they plead almost anything from wilful neglect by 
their offspring to the chastenings of divine wrath. 

On equal terms with the improvident as echoists 
of excuses, but of somewhat different type, are the 
unprogressive. The unprogressive believe out- 
right and with all boldness in standing still. They 
oppose all change. They cry out against all re- 
form. They stand unyielding against all improve- 
ments. If a new movement is started they vocifer- 
ate forthwith and immediately that the thing is 
preposterous and impossible. If they are asked 
to aid or assist in a struggle for wider horizons 
they interpose all sorts of objections. The great- 
est word in their vocabulary is the word "can't." 
The greatest pleasure they possess is the pleasure 
of dampening the ardor of enthusiasts. Without 
debate they admit the presence of wrong in the 
world ; but they pessimistically contend that wrong 
has always existed among men and will always 
continue to exist. Finally, as a clincher for all 
these stand-pat and gloomy frothings, they wind up 
with the immemorial argument, or the classic ex- 
cuse, that it is absolutely impossible to change 
human nature, and since human nature is what it is, 
it is absolutely useless to struggle for the better- 
ment of mankind. 

Just as excuses are peddled out for unprogres- 
siveness, improvidence, inefficiency and indolence, 



The Peddlers of Excuses 35 

so also are excuses peddled out for a double stand- 
ard of conduct. Men excuse themselves for du- 
plicity of life, yet severely condemn duplicity in 
woman. They are within proper bounds if they 
are libertines, but the women they marry must be 
as spotless as the falling snow. They are at lib- 
erty to dissipate and bring only a shattered rem- 
nant of life into wedlock but the woman must be 
without scar or blemish. Even women, though 
deploring this state of affairs, excuse the sweet, 
innocent male creatures and acquiesce either with 
silence or with only feeble protest. In all of this 
there is about as much consistency as there is in a 
March wind or in the color of a chameleon. If a 
single standard of conduct, with the same exactions 
upon men as upon women, is to prevail, the truth 
must be known, and whimpering excuses with all 
traffic therein must be completely eradicated. 

A similar treatment must be accorded the ex- 
cuses put forth in defense of corrupt politics. Here 
the craftiest of excuses are worked out and the 
most doubtful of circumstances extolled. Here 
excuse peddlers constitute the chief obstacle in the 
way to all political progress, and toil the longest 
and hardest. When charges of graft are made, 
the charges are usually dismissed with the mere 
statement that politics is politics, just as "pigs Is 
pigs," and that it is impossible to eliminate all 



36 A Number of Things 

bosses, ward heelers, misappropriations of money, 
and favoritisms. These evils must be endured 
merely as attributes or concomitants of a dem- 
ocratic system of government. Rascals there are 
in office but they are few, and even if the few that 
infest city halls and state houses are driven out, 
other rascals of worse calibre will take their places. 
Such excuses — public officials are always prolific 
excuse peddlers — are calmly accepted by the public 
and the poor taxpayers foot the bill. Profitable 
beyond measure are excuses in the world of 
politics. 

Likewise, excuses are very valuable assets in the 
world of business. Here, as in politics, excuse ped- 
dlers and yodlers are exceedingly profuse in their 
peddling and yodling. Whenever business failures 
occur, the excuse mills begin immediately to grind 
out pabulum for public consumption. Whenever 
get-rich-quick-Wallingford stocks are offered to in- 
nocent investors, the excuse manufacturers work 
overtime. Whenever overcapitalization is resort- 
ed to in order to hide inflations or cover up surplus 
earnings, the excuse manipulators manipulate with 
the most unflagging energy. Whenever unfair 
practices are used in order to crush out hated rivals 
and to effect a combination or monopoly, the ex- 
cuse producers overstock the market with their 
products. Whenever there is a demand for an in- 



The Peddlers of Excuses 37 

crease or decrease In wages, or an attempt to 
increase or decrease rates or prices, the excuse 
magicians burst forth with wild gyrations In justi- 
fication or condemnation and exhaust all the arts 
of legerdemain. Truly the peddling of excuses is 
absolutely essential to the welfare of business men 
and the world of business enterprise. 

Excuses are put forth, echoed or peddled, not 
only as an indispensable support of business meth- 
ods and practices but also as an indispensable sup- 
port of the unequal distribution of wealth. There 
are always "malefactors of wealth" excusing them- 
selves for their Ill-gotten gains. They wildly argue 
that the poor always want something for nothing, 
that they get just about what Is coming to them 
In the way of wages, and that they are poor be- 
cause they are Ignorant and incapable, and choose 
to be poor. If the proletariat were given the 
wealth of the world they would be unable to keep 
it. They are too lazy and shiftless. The thrifty 
and Intelligent would wrest It from them. Wealth 
like everything else comes to those to whom It Is 
due. It comes to the rich because they are wise, 
choose to be rich, save and Invest their earnings, 
and direct large enterprises. On account of this 
they are entitled to all that they receive, or to the 
best. Thus run the principal excuse fabrications 



38 A Number of Things 

or mental gymnastics in support of the existing sys- 
tem of wealth distribution. 

The peddlers of excuses, therefore, are scatter- 
ed throughout the kingdom of man. Their excuse 
vending is a universal attribute of human nature. 
Unless they are eliminated and unless the excuses 
in which they deal so skillfully are replaced by 
reasons, there is little hope for the reign of truth, 
justice and fair play in the transactions of men. 



CHAPTER IV 

THE GOD OF CONVENTIONALITY 

CONVENTIONALITY is the bane of man's 
existence. It is the most exacting of social 
regulations. It is the most venerable of tyrants. 
It is the most autocratic of oppressors. It com- 
mands with an authority that is omnipotent. It 
hangs like the sword of Damocles over the heads 
of those who know it not, or who, knowing it, 
refuse to live by it. It follows mankind like an 
evil genius. It operates with the strictest sort of 
punctiliousness. It at times threatens men and 
women with punishment worse than the guillotine, 
the scaffold or the electric chair. In essence it is 
the embodiment of slavery, artificiality and un- 
reasonableness. 

Beyond humankind however, conventionality 
does not extend its blind dominion. Upon human 
beings only does it wreak its vengeance and press 
itself down as a crown of thorns. In the world 
of nature it is unknown. The natural order knows 
no convention. The world does not rotate upon 
its axis by custom. The stars do not twinkle ac- 
cording to tradition. The flowers do not bloom 

39 



40 A Number of Things 

because of good flowery etiquette. In the realm of 
nature conventionality has no place. Only in the 
sphere of conventionalized humanity does the god 
of conventionality reign supreme. 

Conventionality is the basis of the institution of 
marriage. Marriage vows and ceremonies are the 
results of custom. In the main they are nothing 
more nor less than a part of the folkways of past 
generations. A couple is not bound together any 
more securely simply because a few words have 
been spoken over them by a minister or priest. If 
they are not married at heart, a ritualistic cere- 
mony is worthless. If they are not divinely united, 
religious sanction is a mockery. If they truly love, 
approval by the church and the state hardly seems 
necessary, except as social regulation and restraint. 
In the animal kingdom there is no such thing as 
marriage. Mating, unrestrained by law or re- 
ligion, is the basis of cohabitation. Only man is 
so vile that the conventionality of marriage is a 
necessity. 

The tenets of conventionality occupy the center 
of the stage in the social whirl of the world. Social 
affairs such as teas, receptions, calls and other 
nostrums which individuals who desire to move 
among the *'smart sets" must take, are hopelessly 
dominated by custom. In high social circles the 
god of conventionality sits in royal splendor on 



The God of Conventionality 41 

his all-commanding throne. All who enter his 
sacred temple must worship at his feet. Especial- 
ly must every debutante, every chaperone and 
every hostess do obeisance before him. Whenever 
his laws are transgressed, either by sins of omission 
or by sins of commission, the sinners are cast into 
outer darkness and there is weeping and wailing 
and gnashing of teeth. All who aspire to be 
"social climbers" must be armed to the teeth with 
munitions more powerful than the mightiest muni- 
tions of war. 

Furthermore, all who would be victorious in 
their social climb upward and who would belong 
to the best of families must at all times dress, 
speak and act in good taste. A breach of social 
etiquette is unforgivable. Everyone must learn 
to differentiate between good and bad form. Those 
addicted to good form are usually characterized 
as cultured and refined. It matters little whether 
they have any brains or not. Those guilty of bad 
form are dubbed common, uncultured, or eccentric. 
All who would live in civilized society must be 
artificial and unnatural, and act as the social lead- 
ers dictate, — not as they would like to act. 

Indeed the autocrats of fashion decree what sort 
of clothes shall be worn, what sort of hand-shakes 
shall be used and what sort of jewelry shall be ac- 
ceptable. They pass on what sort of houses shall 



42 A Number of Things 

be built, what sort of furniture shall be tasteful 
and what sort of automobiles shall be driven. 
They set forth what kind of conversation shall be 
carried on, what kind of food shall be served and 
what kind of amusement shall be popular. They 
hold sway over myriads of other artificialities from 
which civilized man can not escape. Whatever 
such autocrats ordain, the apes of society must 
follow. Hence all who would be civilized mortals 
must be fictitious mortals. There is no place for 
real men and real women in the social festivities 
of the world. 

The dogma of conventionality is a conspicuous 
factor in the realm of economics. Custom per- 
vades almost every phase of economic activity. 
There are customary wages, prices, rates, stand- 
ards of living, methods of competition, rules for 
business conduct, and lines of goods. There are 
trade customs, shipping customs, market customs, 
and professional customs. The customary way of 
doing things Is as prevalent in the management 
of the world's business as are newsboys on busy 
city streets. It stands out often as one of the 
greatest obstacles in the road to economic better- 
ment. It is a stubborn thing to overcome. It is 
the basis of most of the opposition with which the 
scientific reformer meets. As long as custom alone 
determines economic conduct, the science of po- 
litical economy is a miserable failure. 



The God of Conventionality 43 

The doctrine of conventionality is the predomin- 
ating theme in history. In a way the history of 
man is the history of custom. Were customs elim- 
inated from historical studies, the historians would 
have to go out of business. Were traditions left 
out of account, the origins of races and nations 
would be without explanation. As a means for 
interpreting the past, the institutions of the people 
and their behavior as crystallized in their usual 
methods of acting are the main sources of his- 
torical information. According to such sources 
former generations are found to have been just 
about as conventional in their ways of thinking and 
doing as are present generations. Without custom 
as an explanation for the origin and development 
of institutions and as an interpretation of the past, 
the history of man's terrestrial existence is a hope- 
less maze, a meaningless jumble and a gross ab- 
surdity. 

The worship of conventionality is the center of 
gravity in law. Around custom law revolves. 
Law started by custom, developed by custom, and 
stands or falls largely by custom. In adjudica- 
tions, precedent, not reason, is king. In judicial 
decisions, similar cases, not justice, rule. With 
judges, what other judges have decided has a 
higher standing than the expressed wish of legisla- 
tive bodies. Among Anglo-Saxon peoples the com- 



44 A Number of Things 

mon law, which is nothing more nor less than a 
body of rules resulting from long-continued usage, 
is the final absolute standard with which all ques- 
tions of jurisprudence must square. This blind 
worship of conventionality stands in the way of 
legislative reforms, gives rise to a judicial 
oligarchy, and makes it almost impossible to 
change constitutions and make legislative progress. 
The tyrant of conventionality is the all-import- 
ant figure in education. Education is secured, not 
by original thinking or by following the lines in 
which a student is most interested, but by swallow- 
ing without a quiver certain conventionalized 
courses prescribed by would-be educational dicta- 
tors. The fundamental subjects, or main dishes, 
according to many intellectuals and academic for- 
malists, are Latin, Greek, Mathematics, Physics 
and Chemistry. All other subjects are mere side 
dishes. Unless seekers after truth fill their mental 
stomachs with the tempting viands from the main 
dishes they face intellectual starvation. Utilitarian 
values are of little significance : they are an abom- 
ination anyway and interfere with high thinking. 
Cultural values are the values which men and 
women must have in order to survive and be 
happy. Cultural or conventional education, not 
education for service, is more or less the prime 
objective of the whole modern educational system. 



The God of Conventionality 45 

The idol of conventionality is the chief object 
of adoration in religion. In the church religious 
pomp and ceremony have replaced religious fer- 
vor. The forms of worship have been determined, 
not by spiritual surges within the soul, but by tra- 
dition. Even the God of our fathers has become 
a traditional God. Those who worship Him must 
worship Him in traditional spirit and truth. In 
the best of churches there is no room for the poor 
and unfortunate classes. Welcome is not accorded 
them on account of their ignorance and poverty. 
They have not the clothes that the good taste of 
the church people would sanction. Only the well 
dressed assemble themselves together to worship 
God according to the dictates of conscience. No 
wonder the church is not meeting the need of the 
Twentieth Century. When the church turns from 
form to the true God, then will the Christian re- 
ligion gain greater favor. 

The god of conventionality Is so entrenched In 
every sphere of modern society that all are com- 
pelled to render obedience to him. Men and 
women alike are afraid to disobey his mandates. 
If they have the courage to kick over the traces 
they are immediately ostracised. If they do not 
adhere strictly to the conventionality of marriage 
they are condemned as libertines. If they do not 
follow the rules of good social etiquette they are 



46 A Number of Things 

branded as Illiterates or eccentrics. If they do not 
support the established Institutions In economics, 
history, law and education, they are reviled as 
revolutionists. If they do not accept the orthodox 
traditional type of religion they are damned as 
vile sinners. 

Indeed, whether human beings will or not, they 
are forced to be subservient to the contemptible 
god of conventionality. They are slaves to sense- 
less and outgrown customs. Only by being Icon- 
oclasts can they free themselves and rationalize 
conduct. Only by being social outcasts can they 
be real men and women. Only under the threat of 
social banishment can they give free expression to 
their personalities, develop their powers, and work 
out their own destinies. 



CHAPTER V 

THE PHILOSOPHY OF FITS 

THERE are four kinds of fits connected with 
the social and economic order. They are not 
epileptic fits or cat fits. They are not love fits or 
fits of jealousy. They are not "jiminy" fits or fits 
of temper. They are not dog fits or rabies. They 
are not fits of mobs or social disorders. They are 
not religious fits or political fits. They are not 
pacifist fits or preparedness fits. They are not 
loquacious fits or vitriolic fits. They are not finan- 
cial fits or financial crises. They are not even ben- 
efits, though some of them produce benefits. The 
four kinds of fits associated with the economic and 
social order are the unfits, the misfits, the coun- 
terfeits and the plain fits. 

Paramount among the fits, from the standpoint 
of social and economic loss, are the unfits. Unfits 
there are In abundance in every rural community, 
every village, every large town and every great 
city, as well as in every business organization, of- 
fice, enterprise and activity. There are the phy- 
sically unfit, such as the congenitally deformed and 
diseased persons, and persons incapacitated by 

47 



48 A Number of Things 

dissipation, environment, accident and war. There 
are the mentally unfit, such as the feeble-minded, 
the semi-idiots and totally insane persons, and 
persons disqualified by prejudice, narrowness and 
bigotry. There the politically unfit, such as an- 
archists and radically inclined persons, and persons 
incapable of understanding the need of govern- 
ment and the necessity of governmental restraint. 
There are the educationally unfit, such as illiterates 
and hopelessly ignorant persons, and persons de- 
void of all rational processes. 

But these are not the only unfits. There are also 
the socially unfit, such as criminals, highwaymen, 
swindlers and vicious persons, and persons de- 
prived of all sense of responsibility. There are 
the industrially unfit, such as "we-wont work" In- 
dividuals, *'unemployables," short-sighted enter- 
prisers, price manipulators and positively dishonest 
persons, and persons incapable of business in- 
tegrity, high-minded business action, commercial 
farsightedness and sound trade judgments. All of 
these, whether the physically or the mentally unfit, 
the politically or the educationally unfit, the In- 
dustrially or the socially unfit, are economic and 
social detriments, not economic and social aids. 

If the unfits are economic and social losses what 
action shall be taken concerning them? Shall they 
be mercilessly rooted out of human society? For 



The Philosophy of Fits ^ 

the majority of them there is but one answer, and 
that answer is unanimously in the affirmative. 
However, for the physical and educational unfits 
and a part of the mental unfits a different answer 
must be given. They are not to be cut off and that 
without remedy. Instead, they arouse the sym- 
pathy of all thinking men and women, and institu- 
tions should be provided in which to keep them, 
teach them and give them treatment. While there 
are few permanent cures for them except for the 
educational unfits, they are not to be utterly cast 
out. Unfit goods are dumped upon the scrap 
heap ; but such action is hardly justifiable concern- 
ing human goods. Primitive man let the survival 
of the fittest take its course ; but modern man aids 
the unfortunate in every way possible. While as- 
sistance should be rendered wherever needed, none 
would argue that the physical, mental or even the 
educational unfits should be allowed to reproduce 
themselves and contaminate the coming genera- 
tions. 

In close relation to the unfits are the misfits. 
Almost everywhere there are large numbers of the 
misfits. There are misfits by birth, by accident, by 
education and by environment. There are misfits 
in the various professions, in the occupation of 
farming and in the ministry. There are misfits 
in banks, in railway offices, in brokerage firms, in 



so A Number of Things 

publishing houses, in chambers of commerce, in 
shipping companies and in manufacturing plants. 
There are misfits in the form of fault finders, 
knockers, grouches, pessimists, crepe hangers, mis- 
anthropes and apostles of despair. There are 
even misfit clothing stores. 

Indeed the misfits wherever found are a peculiar 
lot. They may be misfits because they are too 
little or because they are too big, because they are 
too intelligent or because they are too ignorant, 
because they are too urban or because they are too 
rural, because they are too energetic or because 
they are too indolent, because they are too rich or 
because they are too poor, or finally because they 
are too capitalistic or because they are too so- 
cialistic. Verily misfits are odd lobsters, and un- 
profitable adjuncts in a world that strives to elim- 
inate waste and attain the highest degree of effici- 
ency. 

Hence, like most of the unfits, the misfits must 
go. Unless they can have the rough corners 
knocked off, or unless they can be whittled down 
or padded up so that they fit snugly into the posi- 
tions which they occupy, there is no place for them 
among civilized men. Unless the psychological 
experts and devotees of vocational guidance can 
remake them to order and in the future cut all of 
them in strict accordance with occupational pat- 



The Philosophy of Fits 51 

terns, they must be exterminated as pests. Unless 
they can conform to the industrial, social and po- 
litical scheme of things, or unless they can "shat- 
ter It to bits and mold It nearer to the heart's de- 
sire," they must be exiled to the Islands of oblivion. 
Absolutely under no conditions are the detestable 
beasts to reproduce their species and shackle the 
world with their progeny. 

Worse perhaps than both the misfits and the 
unfits are the counterfeits. The misfits and the 
unfits are at least genuine and are entities. The 
counterfeits are not so : they are artificial and are 
nonentities. They look real but they are deceptive. 
They are like counterfeit coins. And just as there 
is a vast difference between real dollars and coun- 
terfeit dollars, so there is a vast difference be- 
tween real persons and counterfeit persons. 

In spite of this difference, however, there are 
counterfeits galore. There are counterfeit states- 
men, physicians, lawyers, farmers, teachers, mer- 
chants, bankers, manufacturers, labor leaders, pa- 
triots, salesmen, and even ministers. There are 
counterfeit houses, roads, goods, books, jewels, 
cars, merchandise, stocks, bonds, newspapers, ora- 
tions, and even sermons. There are counterfeit 
nations, alliances, wars, diplomats, and even peace 
conferences. Without doubt the counterfeits are 
as multitudinous as the stars, as pernicious as rot- 



52 A Number of Things 

ten politics, as subtle as serpents, and as despicable 
as Huns. 

Whether the counterfeits are found in the in- 
dustrial realm or in the social realm, in a religious 
atmosphere or in a secular atmosphere, in na- 
tional garb or in international garb, they must be 
detected and inhibited. Just as counterfeiters of 
money are outlawed and punished, so must coun- 
terfeiters in other realms be outlawed and punish- 
ed. Just as counterfeit coins and bills are denied 
free circulation with real coins and bills, so must 
counterfeit persons be denied free circulation with 
real persons. What humanity needs is not com- 
mercial, political, educational and religious shams, 
but commercial, political, educational and religious 
realities. What the international future portends 
is not international hypocricies, intrigues, terri- 
torial aggressions, secret treaties and Mittel 
Europas, but international openness, justice, free- 
dom and peace. 

In transcendent superiority to the unfits, mis- 
fits and counterfeits are the plain fits. They and 
they alone are the true workers of the world. They 
are the modern giants and are as genuine as pure 
gold. They fit into their places and do whatever 
they are called upon to do. Whatever their hands 
find to do that is useful they do it with all their 
might. They are found in business organizations, 



The Philosophy of Fits 53 

in governments, in the practice of law and medi- 
cine, in schools, in armies, in navies, in homes, in 
labor unions, in export houses, in social settle- 
ments, in scientific investigations, in peace parleys, 
and in leagues of nations. At all times they are 
defenders of the right, carriers of the banners of 
justice, and toilers for the common good of man. 

The plain fits are the world's producers. They 
bring forth the raw materials from the farms, the 
mines, the forests, the rivers and the seas. They 
turn out the finished goods from the factories, the 
mills, the shops and the founderies. They run the 
wagons, the trucks, the locomotives and the ships 
with which to supply the necessaries and comforts 
of life to the uttermost ends of the earth. They 
construct the public buildings, the warehouses, the 
elevators, the manufacturing plants, the retail 
stores and the skyscrapers with which to carry on 
trade and commerce. They shape the metals, cut 
the stones, plane the lumber, and operate the ma- 
chines by which man makes progress and advances 
in his conquest over nature. In fact they constitute 
the axis upon which the whole world of production 
rotates. 

The plain fits are also the nation's true citizens. 
They shirk no responsibilities. They give their 
full measure of devotion to the flag. They dodge 
no honestly assessed taxes, no local, state or na- 



54 ^ Number of Things 

tional duties, and no demands that are in the in- 
terests of the whole people. They are absolute 
supporters of law and order. While they welcome 
all changes for the better, still they are not carried 
away by every new doctrine or theory that comes 
along. When they are convinced that there are 
defects in the existing order and when they are 
sure that they are right in trying to remove them, 
they go ahead regardless of hazards, costs or 
sacrifices. They are neither mossback conserva- 
tive^ nor redhot radicals, but are rather sane mid- 
dle-grounders following a safe and certain course 
of advancement. They stand against the tyranny 
of an autocratic minority and for the rights and 
rule of an intelligent majority. To them the public 
interest is at all times paramount. In them lies 
the destiny of the whole nation. 

Moreover, the plain fits never complain. If 
their jobs are not right they make them right. If 
their environments are not suitable they make 
them suitable. If a vice crusade is necessary they 
start it and fight it to a finish. If city halls need 
political ventilation, they ventilate. If national 
resources need development, they develop them. 
If new industries are desirable they institute them 
and make them succeed. If attractive foreign 
markets are to be discovered, they discover them. 
If improved facilities for railway and ocean trans- 



The Philosophy of Fits 55 

portation are imperative, they provide them. If 
wars against arbitrary might and power must be 
waged, they wage them and wage them without 
desire for personal gain. If government loans 
must be floated, they float them. In short, the 
plain fits are the drive wheels in the whole mechan- 
ism of human society. 

Out of the four classes of fits, then, the unfits, 
the misfits and the counterfeits are unworthy of 
perpetuation. Only the plain fits are desirable. 
Whenever the unfits, misfits and counterfeits can 
be transformed into plain fits, such transformation 
is much to be desired. Otherwise, with the excep- 
tion of teaching the educational unfits and giving 
aid and comfort to the physical and a few of the 
mental unfits, the unfits, the misfits and the counter- 
feits are to be thrown out, deported, or in some 
way disposed of. In their stead the plain fits must 
be given ascendency. Upon them and upon them 
alone rests the salvation of the whole human race. 



CHAPTER VI 

THE VARIOUS KINDS OF FREAKS 

THE abode of man Is afflicted with freaks. 
Though not existing in large proportions, they 
are all too abundant for profitable purposes. They 
greatly militate against the greatest good to the 
greatest numbers. They are completely out of 
harmony and out of step with the best interests of 
the whole. They are hopelessly at variance with 
social ends. They are drawbacks, burdens and 
shackles to world betterment. They are Gibral- 
ters of opposition, "mountains of wearisome 
heights,'* and deserts of despair to the establish- 
ment of a better order of things. Of all earth's 
accoutrements, they are the most unprofitable, 
the most peculiar, the most phenomenal and the 
most unnatural. 

The origin of freaks is a profound mystery. 
How they came to be is a puzzle of puzzles. Of 
what elements they are composed is beyond chemi- 
cal analysis. The why of their structure is more 
or less a baffle to scientists. Some of them are 
simply born freaks, or are the result of accident 
and bits of by-play on the part of nature; some 

56 



The Various Kinds of Freaks 57 

acquire freakishness or come into being by con- 
scious self-development ; while some have freakish- 
ness thrust upon them, or are the victims of cir- 
cumstances. In whatever way they came into ex- 
istence, they are simply freaks and nothing but 
freaks. They can no more change their nature 
than a leopard can change his spots or an Ethio- 
pian his color. Right there their case rests with all 
finality. 

There are several kinds of freaks to which the 
earth has given birth. First of all there are bio- 
logical freaks. Biologically there are freak calves, 
dogs, pigs, and horses. There are freak animals 
of the plains and freak beasts of the jungle. There 
are freak plants, — trees, vegetables and flowers. 
There are freak babies, freak men and freak wo- 
men. All of these, whether among plants or 
among animals, are freaks with regard to struc- 
ture. They are structural mistakes or errors. 
They are morphologically irregular, off-side, out 
of order. They are simply physiological abnor- 
malities and variations from type, and are in a 
class all to themselves. 

There are masculine freaks. None would deny 
their existence. They are constantly bustling 
about. In almost every place they may be seen 
moving hither and thither. They are freaks, not 
with regard to form or physique, but only with re- 



58 A Number of Things 

gard to habit and conduct. Their chief character- 
istics are semi-idiocy, peculiarity in thought, speech 
and action, the faculty of making colossal mistakes, 
and frequent resorts to assininity in general. They 
look like rational creatures but looks are only 
skin deep. They possess normal bodies, but nor- 
mal bodies sometimes contain worthless souls. 
They are just the stupid simpletons and incor- 
rigible blunderers of the world roving around out- 
side of asylums, thinking themselves somebody 
when they are not, and constantly disturbing the 
peace and happiness of those who try to uphold 
sanity and exemplify rationality. Indeed mascu- 
line freaks are intolerable burdens on society. 

There are feminine freaks. Of all freaks they 
are possibly the most freakish. They are not 
freaks by inheritance, wealth, beauty or social 
position. They are not freaks even by social con- 
demnation or disapproval. They are freaks be- 
cause they cannot avoid being freaks, because they 
are instinctively driven to freakishness, or be- 
cause they think freakishness is desirable and at- 
tractive. They just adore playing enigmatic roles. 
They have ravenous appetites for keeping mere 
men guessing. They are gormandizers of that 
which is different or that which makes them stand 
out distinctly from other women. They glory in 
the wiles with which they attract or rope in their 



The Various Kinds of Freaks 59 

male opposites. They make use of various kinds 
of would-be witchery in order to turn the heads 
and upset the hearts of masculine weaklings. They 
chatter about anything and everything with about 
as much common sense as a jay bird. Their lack 
of connection between the tongue and the brain, 
if they have any brains, is responsible for the 
popular dictum "nobody home." Truly feminine 
freaks are the most freakish of freaks. 

There are fashion or sartorial freaks. They 
know little of the art of dressing. They have lit- 
tle or no acquaintanceship with good taste. They 
choose the oldest as well as the most stylish of 
clothes. They wear the most gaudy as well as the 
most sombre of colors. They cover their bodies 
with the cleanest as well as the filthiest of raiment. 
They patronize the most expensive as well as the 
most inexpensive of tailors, or no tailors at all. 
Among them are numbered the society fops, 
"dandies," vampires, and society belles, as well as 
sloven scrub women, untidy cooks, cheap chorus 
girls, brainless dance hall habitues, conspirators 
against harmonious colors, and total pressing shop 
abstainers. All of these should have administered 
to them wisely and in large and frequent doses a 
sound philosophy of the origin, evolution and pur- 
pose of clothes. 

There are intellectual freaks. They just dote 



6o A Number of Things 

on intellectuality. They feed upon it. They see 
nothing else. They forget to eat, keep appoint- 
ments, pay bills, dress properly, and attend to their 
families. They never look outside of books. They 
are earth's bookworms, bibliomaniacs, and hoard- 
ers of knowledge. They ignore all things ma- 
terial. They live solely in the realm of the mind. 
Beyond libraries they never go. They know about 
as much about the big busy world of facts as a 
chimpanzee knows about the Aurora Borealis. 
They have about as much interest in human affairs 
as a grasshopper has in astronomy. They are 
about as productive of tangible results as an 
Egyptian mummy. They are about as useful to 
the world as a thousand legs would be to a bulldog. 
Hence all praise to the intellectual freaks. Mani- 
fold are the useless blessings which they bestow 
upon mankind. 

There are musical freaks. They exist either 
in order to create harmony or to absorb harmony. 
To them all the rest of the world is dross. Wheth- 
er composers or absorbers, vocalists or instru- 
mentalists, they rave about sound waves, stirring 
strains, heights of sublimity, the singing together 
of the morning stars, and the music of the spheres. 
Among them the creators of music are especially 
peculiar. They are frequently characterized by 
long hair, odd apparel, temperaments and general 



The Various Kinds of Freaks 6i 

conspicuousness. They are not naturally given to 
idiosyncrasies, but musical traditions must be main- 
tained. To add insult to injury they are petted, 
pampered and encouraged in their caprices by 
those who consume their commodities. While 
there is no kick upon the goods which these whim- 
sical animals produce, yet there are a few who 
would like to have their music, good music, even 
the best of music, with less frills and foibles. 

There are theological freaks. They pervade 
the whole realm of religion. They are the dicta- 
torial dogmatists who arrogate to themselves the 
right to be omnipotent interpreters of all things 
spiritual. They are ''the wise old owls sitting on 
the dead limb of knowledge hooting the same old 
hoots that have been hooted" for almost two thou- 
sand years. They are "the Holy Rollers," "the 
Holy Jumpers," the divine healers, the seers of 
visions, the recipients of supernatural gifts. They 
are the supreme upholders of the faith, the stand- 
ard bearers of all light. They are the religious 
meddlers who deem it their most sacred duty^ to 
arraign the doubters, the sinners and the material- 
ists with the bitterest invectives. They are abso- 
lute strangers to practical service. Their way is 
the way of "piousity." They suffer man's sojourn 
here below, not to make the world better and 
nobler but to discipline their souls and prepare 



62 A Number of Things 

themselves for the life to come. Too good, too 
holy, and too saintly are they for the sinful mor- 
tals, the baffling problems and the irrepressible 
conflicts of the earth. 

There are nervous freaks. They are the most 
agitated of freaks. They labor under great nervous 
tension. They are likely to go to pieces at the 
slightest noise. They are high strung, super- 
sensitive, easily overwrought. In action they close- 
ly resemble jumping jacks. They cannot be still. 
They walk the floor, they throw their arms, they 
twist their fingers. To them children are a terror, 
waiting is an outrage, criticism is a horror, and 
interference is a fatal provocation. They are de- 
void of all self-control. If their wishes are thwart- 
ed in any way they lose their temper, they fly Into 
a rage, they become hysterical. They are the 
natural results of the growing complexities of 
modern life. They have arisen with the Increasing 
push and excitement of an advancing civilization, 
and have developed a brand new, up-to-date, more 
or less distinctively American disease of the nerv- 
ous system known as neurasthenia. Undoubtedly, 
freaks of the neurotic color or fiber are pitiable 
spectacles and are In a bad way. 

There are Industrial freaks. Chief among them 
are financial panics, such freaks being not per- 
manent financial ailments but rather temporary 



The Various Kinds of Freaks 63 

financial abnormalities. Also there are freak en- 
terprises, promoters and corporations. There are 
freak business men, bank failures and investments. 
There are freak contracts, discriminations and 
methods of doing business. There are freaks in 
the rise and fall of market prices, in speculations 
on stock exchanges and in reorganizations and re- 
ceiverships. There are freak industrial accidents, 
labor leaders, and theories concerning industrial 
ownership and operations. Finally, there are in- 
dustrial freaks known as radicals, bolshevists, reds, 
revolutionists, ad finitum. 

Lastly, there are freaks among the nations. 
There are freak nationalities, national customs 
and traditions, and national characteristics. There 
are freaks as dreamers of world dominion and 
schemers against the international order. There 
are freaks as disturbers of international peace and 
as enemies to international stability. There are 
freaks as fomenters of internal strife, and instiga- 
tors of border raids and depredations. There are 
freaks as racial survivors and worshippers of an- 
cestry. There are freaks as originators of soviet- 
ism and contenders for world-wide proletarianism. 
There are freaks as international braggarts and 
hot air specialists. Without question there are 
freaks in the midst of the family of nations. 

All hail therefore to the world's freaks and 



64 A Number of Things 

monstrosities. Whether biological or masculine, 
feminine or sartorial, intellectual or musical, the- 
ological or neurotic, industrial or international, 
they are earth's most fruitless, eccentric and mi- 
raculous offspring. 



CHAPTER VII 

THE WHY OF TOBACCO 

THOSE who use tobacco like it. If they did 
not like it, in all probability they would not 
use it. True, their taste for it has been cultivated 
or acquired. Instinct played no part in the matter. 
They did not take to the stuff as a duck takes to 
water. They did not come into the world with the 
habit in full bloom. They had to learn it, and 
ofttimes the learning was at the expense of nausea 
and disquietude of the stomach. But whether 
they learned the habit with ease or with difficulty, 
the important thing to remember is that they 
learned it. They simply have a liking for the 
weed: and if they like it none should through 
prejudice deny them the pleasure of its enjoyment. 
Tobacco has been wilfully and maliciously sland- 
ered. Many there are who have pronounced a curse 
upon it. They have ranked it more or less as a twin 
evil with booze; and since booze has gone they 
insist that tobacco likewise must go. They seem to 
think that tobacco was concocted by the imps of 
hell and shoved upon the world as a baneful in- 

6s 



66 A Number of Things 

fluence upon humanity. They talk as though it 
were to be shunned as a rattlesnake or a deadly 
poison. They rave about shattered nerves, weak 
hearts, cancerous lips, poisoned stomachs and be- 
fogged brains. They attribute numerous ills to 
its effects upon the physical organism. Their whole 
attack is an attack bristling with malice, slander 
and unjustifiable reproach. It is high time that 
such an attack were repulsed. Too long has the 
nicotine god been assailed, cursed and condemned. 
He is outraged; his anger must be appeased. His 
devotees must come to his support and glorify his 
name, his purpose and his soothing power. 

That tobacco has its harmful effects upon the 
body may be true. Its calumniators may be right 
in all they claim; yet its supporters like it. Their 
bodies seem to build up an antitoxin to counteract 
its evil influence. Old men there are in abundance 
who have been addicted to its use for decades, and 
yet they are healthy and blessed with longevity. 
They have worshipped unceasingly at the tobacco 
shrine, yet they are free from tobacco curses. 
Therefore praise ye the weed, ye defamers of its 
effects upon man. Cease your harangues against 
its use and possession. Those who like it perhaps 
represent the survival of the fittest, and will con- 
tinue to embrace it, praise it and enjoy it. 



The Why of Tobacco 67 

Tobacco Is a filthy weed, 

I like it, 

It satisfies no normal need, 

I like it. 

It makes you fat, it makes you lean. 

It takes the hair right ofiF your bean. 

It's the worst darn stuff I've ever seen, 

I like it. 

While tobacco may be characterized by its op- 
ponents as a filthy weed, such characterization is 
hardly fair. Tobacco is not a filthy weed. Nature 
does not grow filthy weeds. Even the stagnant 
lake grows water lilies. Weeds once thought to be 
filthy and worthless have been found to be bene- 
ficial. By experimentation with them medicinal 
qualities have been discovered which help to re- 
pel disease and perpetuate the species. Even 
poisonous weeds used properly are life savers. 
Filth is not thrust upon human beings in the form 
of tobacco. The origin and exhibition of filth 
lies not in tobacco but in man. 

Tobacco is a stinking weed, 

I like it. 

A goat upon it will not feed, 

I like it. 

It makes you shake, it makes you quake, 

It makes you have an awful ache. 

It's the worst darn stuff I ever take, 

I like it. 

Tobacco, however, Is not a stinking weed. It is 
a stench only in the nostrils of those who villlfy it. 



68 A Number of Things 

It has a sweet-smelling savor for those who love 
it. It produces pleasant dreams — pipe dreams. It 
arouses memories of past friends and places. It 
recalls dinners in cafes where discontented and 
whimsical pleasure seekers congregated for amuse- 
ment. It recalls banquets, journeys across the 
country in smoking cars, and interesting conversa- 
tions where smoke, sweet tobacco smoke, was the 
evidence of good cheer and fellowship. It re- 
calls comfort kits and life in the trenches. It 
recalls old women of Kentucky and Tennessee 
sitting by the fireplace smoking their old clay pipes. 
It recalls the toilers in the tobacco factories and 
the all-the-year-around labor of the tobacco grow- 
ers. Truly, the fumes of tobacco bring back 
myriads of memories. It is a stinking weed only 
to those who despise It. Its smell is as welcome 
as the fragrance of the lily to those who are de- 
voted to it. 

Tobacco is not a twin evil with Intoxicants. 
There is little or no comparison between them. 
Tobacco affects only the individual man, while 
liquor affects not only the individual man but also 
his family and society. Tobacco does not produce 
want and misery, while liquor produces both, and 
often produces them in their most shameful form. 
Tobacco does not make a fool of a man, while 
liquor does make a fool of him and a big fool at 



The Why of Tobacco 69 

that. Tobacco does not send people to insane 
asylums, while liquor does send them there, and 
often as complete physical wrecks. Tobacco does 
not cause a man to beat his wife, while liquor does 
sometimes cause him to beat her and beat her un- 
mercifully. Tobacco does not fill jails and prisons 
with its followers, while liquor has been the princi- 
pal contributor to the establishment and main- 
tenance of the whole penal system. Tobacco does 
cost money, but it does not actuate a man to blow 
his whole week's wages on Saturday night at cigar 
stores. Tobacco therefore is not an evil of the 
same magnitude as booze, and those who allege 
that it is are guilty of shallowness, ignorance and 
error. 

Tobacco is a promoter of contentment. It opens 
the door to a world of joy and sunshine. It in- 
duces a quiet and repose that is immeasurable. It 
is the pleasantest weed in the weed kingdom. 

Tiobacco is a pleasant weed, 

I like it. 

It soothes your nerves if it you'll heed, 

I like it. 

It makes you sad, it makes you glad, 

It drives away all fear of bad, 

It's the worst darn stufE I've ever had, 

I like it. 

Tobacco is a pleasant and not an unpleasant 
weed. It calms the nerves, smoothes the ruffled 



76 A Number of Things 

feelings, and stimulates the mind. It drives out 
despondency and gloom, provides companionship, 
and brings about the dreaming of dreams and the 
seeing of visions. Foolish beyond measure are 
they who would prohibit the privilege of its peace- 
ful and seductive influence. 

Tobacco is a commodity of great economic 
value. Millions of dollars' worth of it are brought 
forth every year. To prohibit its growth, manu- 
facture and sale would destroy an industry of 
huge proportions. It would necessitate the shift- 
ing of much capital. Tobacco warehouses would 
have to be scrapped or used for other purposes. 
Tobacco growers would have to substitute other 
crops and practically re-learn the art of farming. 
Thousands of tobacco tenants would be forced to 
become mere farm hands and lose their chance of 
becoming land owners. Those who have bought 
land and are depending upon the cultivation of 
tobacco to pay for it would face the question of 
bankruptcy. Land values would decrease since in 
tobacco states they rise and fall with the rise and 
fall of the price of tobacco. A big source of reve- 
nue would be cut off. In fact, if tobacco prohibi- 
tion were to become an actuality, the results would 
be destructive almost beyond calculation. 

Tobacco is a luxury, not a necessity. While the 
land upon which it is grown might be used to pro- 



The Why of Tobacco 71 

duce necessities, yet the area cultivated Is so small 
In proportion to the total area of the earth that 
It Is practically negligible. Even were all to- 
bacco lands utilized for growing food products 
there would probably be no appreciable effect on 
the world's total food supply. In all likelihood, 
more quantity with regard to value can be secured 
per acre from tobacco than from any other agricul- 
tural commodity. While tobacco Is a luxury, It Is 
a luxury that pays its producers well and at the 
same time takes up very little of the earth's land 
area. 

Moreover, tobacco Is a luxury for the poor man 
as well as for the rich man. Unlike most luxuries, 
it is In reach of all regardless of wealth. It Is no 
respecter of persons. It finds its way Into the 
hovel as well as Into the palace. It takes up its 
abode In overalls as well as in broadcloth. It is 
consumed by common citizens as well as by presi- 
dents, by peasants as well as by kings. It is a 
companion of the laborer as well as of the capital- 
ist. It occupies a prominent position at the meet- 
ings of employees as well as of employers. In- 
deed, It is a friend that sticketh closer than a 
brother, a comfort that is almost Indispensable, 
and a luxury that is common to all men. 

Furthermore, both the growing and the manu- 
facturing of tobacco are productive industries. 



72 A Number of Things 

There Is nothing parasitic about them. The goods 
which they create have utility. They are goods 
that have the capacity to gratify human wants and 
if industries produce goods which gratify human 
wants they can in no wise be characterized as un- 
productive. On that score there is no dispute 
among economists. Only enterprises turning out 
neither commodities nor services for the satisfac- 
tion of wants are unproductive. When industries 
produce time, place, form and possession utilities, 
no question is raised concerning their utility. Proof 
is hardly needed to demonstrate that the whole 
business of cultivating and manufacturing tobacco 
creates at least a form utility, and therefore comes 
within the category of productive industries. 

Tobacco, then, justifies its existence by its utility. 
Its consumption brings pleasure, a great deal of 
pleasure, to mankind. While its opponents may at- 
tack it as a filthy, harmful, stinking weed, yet its 
proponents like it, worship it, and find it a very 
present help in time of trouble. That is their only 
justification for its possession, use and enjoyment. 
That and that alone is the why of tobacco. 



; , CHAPTER VIH 

THE COSTS OF WAITING 

THE inhabitants of the earth are born to wait. 
Before they make their advent into the world, 
they have to wait for their parents to decide to 
give them birth. When they make their first ap- 
pearance they have to wait to be clothed. As 
children they have to wait to be fed. As youths 
they have to wait to be educated. As young men 
and young women they have to wait to be in- 
stalled into a business or a profession, or into a 
kitchen or a home. As old men and old women 
they have to wait to die. Waiting is the lot of all 
human beings. Throughout life's cycle stand men 
and women, — abject creatures in waiting. 

Indeed men and women spend most of their 
earthly existence in waiting. They wait for meals, 
trains, street cars, and taxicabs. They wait for 
elevators, for parades and for bands and orches- 
tras to play. They wait for mail, newspapers and 
telegrams. They wait for doctors, lawyers and 
dentists. They wait for rain, for sunshine and for 
darkness. They wait for stores, banks and busi- 
ness houses to open. They wait for telephone con- 

73 



74 ^ Number of Things 

nections, for church to begin and for women to 
dress. They wait their turn at barber shops, ticket 
windows and important gatherings. They wait 
for reforms to come and for political conditions to 
change. They wait for improvements in health, 
in business, in government and in nations. They 
wait for tips on the stock market, for opportuni- 
ties to achieve success, and for the realization of 
millennial dreams. 

Such waiting is at tremendous costs. It results 
in great loss. In fact such loss or such prodigality 
in the use of time is alarming. For each individual 
there are only twenty-four hours of time each day. 
If the time passed in sleep and recreation is added 
to the time expended in waiting, there is little left 
for serious labors. Often there is complaint of 
the long hours that men and women are forced 
to toil. Such complaint is based on error. Those 
who work, whether by hand or by brain, do not 
actually labor long hours. If the hours consumed 
in waiting each day be deducted from the total 
number of hours worked, there would be little 
argument for eight-hour laws. Not long hours 
actually worked, but long minutes stretching out 
into hours actually waited is the real problem. 
That is the real trouble with industry and with 
the world. It is not man's duty so much to reduce 
the number of hours actually labored as to reduce 



The Costs of Waiting 75 

the number of hours uselessly consumed in delay in 
waiting. 

So pronounced is waiting as an attribute of 
modern life that it has been duplicated in many 
instances for man's special benefit. For sharing 
the misery of those who are forced to wait, and 
for lightening their burdens as much as possible, 
special persons and contrivances have been pro- 
vided. As examples of this, there are waiters in 
fashionable cafes, restaurants and chop suey 
houses. There are waiters in lunch rooms, soup 
kitchens and railway diners. There are waiters in 
the form of butlers, footmen, chamber maids and 
porters. There are waiters in the form of clerks, 
attendants and cashiers. There are waiting rooms 
in office buildings, department stores and railway 
stations. It Is not enough for mortals to have to 
wait: waiting specialists have been furnished to 
wait with them or to wait on them, and luxurious 
places have been prepared in which to while away 
the tedious hours of waiting. 

All of these things which are allied with the 
phenomenon of waiting are costly. Not only must 
individuals pay for waiting by discomfiture and 
loss of time, but also they must pay for the ma- 
chinery by which waiting Is made more agreeable 
and less burdensome. Those who serve at hotels, 
dining rooms, stores, banks, libraries and such 



76 A Number of Things 

places must receive wages. These wages are pro- 
vided ultimately by those who are served. There 
are times even when tips must be added to get any 
service at all. Also, those who use waiting room 
facilities must pay a return on the capital Invested 
in such facilities by paying increased prices and 
fares. Hence, while the sting. Impatience and 
agitation of waiting has been somewhat relieved, 
yet the total costs of waiting In money, time and 
sacrifice have been actually more or less increased, 
and man Is worse off than before. 

Another cost of waiting, though widely differ- 
ent, involves the idea of Interest payment. The 
Idea is advanced that those who save capital and 
Invest It sacrifice present for future wants, and 
postpone the consumption of the fruits of their 
toil. As a result they wait for a future time in 
which to use that which they have produced. This 
necessitates abstinence, sacrifice and pain, since 
immediate consumption is more desirable than 
future consumption. To compensate those who 
wait and sacrifice present for future wants. Interest 
Is paid. While this Is not the only justification for 
the payment of interest on capital. It is at least 
one of the big reasons for such payment and rep- 
resent a part of the total costs of waiting. In a 
word the theory simply shows that the accumula- 
tion of capital goods with which to run the in- 



The Costs of Waiting 77 

dustrles of the world depends upon waiting, and 
this waiting like all other waiting costs something. 
For ages the world waited for civilization. Ac- 
cording to the theory of evolution, thousands of 
prehistoric centuries passed before Mother Nature 
gave birth to man. Thousands of centuries more 
passed before man became enlightened, intelligent 
and rational. Through these long periods of wait- 
ing modern improvements were unknown. Only 
after cycles of laborious struggle did machinery 
appear. Then a multiplicity of modern inventions 
were ushered in, and man's life became resplendent 
with dignity, beauty and glory. The earth and the 
fulness thereof was transformed from a desert in- 
habited by savage tribes to a possible garden of 
roses inhabited by brothers. Truly, for long ages 
the world has waited, fretted and sweated for 
civilization. But it has not waited, fretted and 
sweated in vain. Civilization has come. While 
it is still harassed and held back by wars and 
rumors of wars, such are only the growing pains of 
youth. After another prolonged period of wait- 
ing the age of universal peace will dawn. 

But civilization for which man waited so long 
is not an unmixed blessing. With it has come 
capitalistic production and all of its attendant evils. 
The masses of humanity must still wait for the 
eradication of these evils and for the time when 



78 A Number of Things 

the yoke of industrial oppression will be thrown 
off. They must wait, and if some employers had 
their way, wait for a long time without murmur 
for the establishment of industrial as well as po- 
litical democracy. They must wait but labor while 
they wait for the actual democratization of in- 
dustry and for a voice in the management of in- 
dustrial as well as political affairs. They must 
wait, but while waiting they must fight bloodlessly 
with all their might for the industrial as well as 
the political ballot. It may be that the last long 
wait of mankind is for the coming of economic 
liberties, the working out of equal economic op- 
portunities and the application of democratic 
principles to all human activities. 

Often, however, human beings wait and nothing 
comes. They wait for success and the stubborn 
mistress eludes them. They work hard and wait 
for wealth and die as paupers. They wait for the 
appreciation of their efforts but are doomed to 
disappointment. They wait for the adoption of 
their reforms but their reforms fall flat. They 
wait for a golden opportunity to strike a world 
blow that will demonstrate their genius but the 
opportunity never comes. They wait for justice 
but are given injustice. They wait for love but 
receive hate. They wait to behold beauty but 
behold ugliness. They wait for bread but are 



The Costs of Waiting 79 

given stones. They wait for their children to bless 
them but their children are profligate and curse 
them. They wait for the flowers to bloom but the 
worms eat out the flowers' buds. They wait for a 
restoration of health but they die. Often, all too 
often, men and women wait but nothing comes. 

In waiting there are two alternatives. One can 
wait patiently or one can wait impatiently. The 
former is hard: the latter is easy. Anyone can 
be impatient : only genuine men and women can be 
patient. While waiting impatiently for what one 
thinks he deserves, it is easy to rave against the 
cruelty of fate. This is the first resort of grumb- 
lers. But those who calmly accept their lot and 
"wait, meekly wait and murmur not" are gods in 
the making. Impatience is their last resort. If 
they are impatient at all it is a righteous impatience 
expressed because of unjust delay. All who would 
truly live must shun impatience and learn the 
difficult lesson of patience. They must toil on 
without murmur to the end. If the end is dis- 
appointing or indicates ruin still they are to hold 
up their heads, abide by the consequences, try 
again, and even endeavor to turn their failures 
into successes. 

Generally, if those who are compelled to wait 
pass patiently through the period of waiting they 
find joy. When the waiting time is over and 



A Number of Things 80 

there comes a turn In the tide of their affairs, they 
are happy beyond description. It is impossible to 
measure the genuine delight that flows into their 
hearts from the first knowledge of success after 
long and strenuous toil. Thrice blessed are they 
when the clouds of delay begin to scatter and the 
sunlight of a new day dawns. Sublime indeed is 
the thrill that passes through them from the real- 
ization of their dreams after they have hoped al- 
most against hope for many weary hours, days, 
months or years. Indeed they are like new crea- 
tures. They behold new visions. A new light is 
shed upon their pathway. Their world is a world 
of smiles. They can tackle earth's hardest jobs 
with renewed energy and courage. They stand at 
the supreme moment in their upward struggle for 
higher atmospheres. 

Waiting, then, is the lot of all human beings. 
It costs the world millions of dollars annually. 
It costs also in the loss of time, discomfiture and 
painful agitation. Its elimination all together, or 
at least a reduction in its costs, is the problem of 
problems for world solution. When it is reduced 
to a minimum, or when it ceases to exist entirely, 
then will the world have thrown off one of its 
worst obstacles. Then will the world be able to 
attain the maximum of efliciency. 



iliilll 



Hitit) 



11!!' 



